Before you decide to have a baby, you worry that everything in your life isn’t just right.
Should we have more money saved, aren’t babies expensive?
Shouldn’t we live in our own house, not a residence hall?
Are we ready to completely change our lifestyle and focus on the needs of another human instead of our own?
Doug and I asked ourselves these questions and decided that there would might never be a “right” time. So we used our logical brains to make lists of pros and cons and then we decided to listen to our hearts instead. If you know me, you already know that we did not enter parenthood without plans and backups. We tried to control what we could and let the rest go. So, I eagerly purchased every “what to expect book” and began to research what pregnancy and parenthood would be all about.
When you want to be pregnant, suddenly you become hyper-aware of every different physical sensation. Every day I would google ‘early symptoms of pregnancy’.
Was that a cramp?
Do I have a heighten sense of smell?
Why is my stomach upset?
Clearly I could will myself to have any symptom I wanted because I was so filled with anticipation and excitement.
Trying to get pregnant also fills you with hope for what the future will hold.
What will our baby be like?
Who will he or she look like?
How will we be as parents?
How will life change for the better?
Some of my favorite moments were talking with Doug about all of the possibilities.
Trying to get pregnant was the first of many reminders that you do not have as much control in life as you think. Doug and I were very lucky. We didn’t have to wait long before we had good news. Most couples will experience a negative test at some point in their journey. And it is incredibly disappointing when the result is not what you had hoped. Fortunately, there is always next month.
It was about 4am on a Saturday and I was getting ready to catch a flight to Florida to visit my family and spend some much needed time at the beach. It was also just about that time to find out if I was pregnant. I couldn’t imagine taking a test without Doug, so I knew I had to take one before I left. Plus I wanted to know if I could enjoy a beer or two while I lounged by the pool! Somehow, I convinced myself that it was bad luck if I checked the results. As if Doug checking the test would magically change it to the news that we hoped for!
I set my expectations low so that I wouldn’t be disappointed. If the test was negative, I knew that I would dwell on the news the whole flight home.
I am an anxious traveler but this morning was extra emotional as I waited for the result. I tried to stay busy double checking my packed bags and adding last minute items that I probably didn’t need; I am also a notorious over-packer. Somehow two minutes seems to stretch on forever.
I had covered the test with the instructions. I wanted Doug to check first. He removed the paper and smiled. It was positive! At first I didn’t believe him. Maybe Doug really did have magical powers! I was so incredibly shocked that all I could do was give him a hug and a kiss.
I thought about being pregnant the whole flight. I wondered if anyone could tell.
Was I glowing?
Don’t pregnant women glow?
What is it going to be like to be pregnant?
What is labor going to be like?
That was the quickest flight ever. I was totally lost in excitement about the future.
Doug and I agreed to keep the news to ourselves. It was so exciting to share in knowing about our little secret. I even agreed to not tell my family about the big news. And let me tell you, it killed me to not say a thing! I really wanted to tell my family in person but I wanted Doug to share in that moment.
So I drank my La Croix and hoped that no one noticed that I wasn’t drinking on our vacation. There were a few close calls when my sisters or parents offered me a drink that they had poured just for me. I hoped that no one would catch on.
It was so wonderful seeing Doug after that vacation. It was fantastic to share in the excitement that had finally sunk in. We scheduled our first appointment and continued to secretly celebrate our big news.
From Me to You